Social OCD and the Exhausting Spiral of Overthinking

Have you ever written something to someone and then they don’t respond, you know they have read it, but it is just silence. Then you start getting into your head, what did I say wrong? You read it over. I’m not sure, maybe I shouldn’t have said XYZ. 2 hours later you read it again. Omg maybe when I said XYZ it sounded hurtful. You read it again and again. They are going to think that I am a horrible person. I am a horrible person. They are going to think, how could she say that??  Omg, I know, why would I say that?? I don’t know what it is, but surely, I wonder why I would say something so cruel. What was I thinking? I don’t know, I never think enough before I message something.

Oh my gosh, this looks so funny; I’m going to post it. Omg no one else thought it was funny I better delete it before they think I’m weird.

I lack attention to detail sometimes so badly that I don’t even know what I said or did wrong because I’m oblivious. What a jerk I am.

I forgot to message her on her birthday, she hates me. I am a terrible friend.

She thinks I don’t like what she gave me, I’ll say it over ten times so she for sure knows how much I love it.

I said we instead of me, omg now she thinks I’m going somewhere, and I never invited her. I bet she is going to feel like I left her out. See I knew it, I am a horrible person.

Make sure you respond with a funny face or a thumbs up or something, make sure they know that I totally get what they are trying to say and I take no offense whatsoever, actually zero offense, did I make sure it looked like I was not offended but happy enough?

The above is a collection of things that fill my mind. They give me reasons to berate myself, they give me reasons to hate myself.

I know I’m a people pleaser and a lot of people are but when this is an obsession it is different. 

What Are the Social Signs of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder?

In day-to-day life, OCD typically presents in the form of intrusive thoughts and repetitive rituals. Most patients have persistent thoughts that cause intense anxiety, and performing rituals can help temporarily calm these obsessive concerns.

From Pulsetms.com: OCD may present itself through one or more of the following symptoms:

• Constant fears that people are mad at them.
• Unrealistic worries about their relationships
• Feeling too tired to socialize
• Being late or not attending social gatherings for unexplained reasons
• Anger or lashing out when rituals are interrupted.
• Sudden unexplained avoidance of friends or family members
• Rigid expectations for friends and family

Oh yay, now I have harm OCD, sometimes existential OCD, and sometimes social OCD. Although it helps to explain my obsessions, it annoys me that I have to be like this!

Maybe knowing it is a good thing though, maybe that means that I can see when I am having an episode…. that it is just what it is…an episode. I can work to re-train my thought patterns so the logical side of my brain will say, get a grip!! No one even cares what you think, they didn’t respond because they were busy having a life! Or maybe they didn’t like what you said but can you change that but trying to figure it out in your own head? Another one of those unsolvable problems that I like to obsess over.

I wish for an existence where my brain would shut up. Where I could just live a day without a fire-roasted hot dog stick plunging into my stomach. Without wondering who I hurt today. Without wondering why we are all just going to die and that this is like the Hunger Games, and no one knows who is the next person to be killed off the game.

I realize this is dark. I’m sorry.

Sometimes you have no choice but to take the good with the bad. If you were kidnapped and imprisoned and one day you got water and a slice of moldy bread and then the next day you got water and a piece of good bread. The good bread is so much better than the moldy bread, overall, it sucks shit for a meal but hey at least it is good bread today. Whether you have arthritis in your shoulder, a colostomy bag, nerve damage, a toothache or you got through one of your OCD episodes, it was a good day because maybe just maybe you got the good bread today and today you suffered less than the other days. When you have an illness some days, that is all you can hope for, is a day that you suffer less than the other days.  It may be moldy bread again tomorrow but at least today I got a chunk of a fresh homemade loaf and just knowing that some days I will get it, is enough for me to keep my hope going for another day.

Chat again soon,

Michelle