I Blew Up This Week – Regret, Self-Reflection, and Learning to Do Better

I blew up at someone this week.  You know the rule where you should give something 24 hours before you send it?  Yeah, I didn’t do that.  I let all my thoughts out on a text and pressed send.  I read it hours later to see if I still felt that way, yes I do I would mutter to myself.  Later I would read it again and again and about 6 hours later I felt like I wish I could click unsend.  I even googled it, can you unsend an imessage?  Well you can but only in the first few minutes, so I was definitely s.o.l(shit outta luck). The funny or not so funny thing was I was taking a conflict management course the following day.  Well I definitely could be an example of what not to do, that kind of conflict management was definitely a fail. 

Here is the thing though, I actually did feel every bit of emotion of every word that I wrote in that text.  It wasn’t that it was a lie, in any way, it was that I usually have more self control.  I think I felt so mad at myself that I was put in a situation that repeats itself constantly and no matter how many times I talk until I’m blue in the face, nothing changes.  So there it was, I blew it all out there.  Am I proud of myself for not taking the time to manage this properly, no I am not.  Am I happy that at least I made it known that I was frustrated as hell! Yes I am.  Truth be told, I am happy I said what I said because although it was above and beyond what I would normally, politely say, I let my true feelings and emotions out.  It really would be easier if I did that more consistently in calm times rather than when my frustration hits level 10 on the earthquake scale. 

It does make me wonder though, when I try to address things in small ways and in ways that are professional and grown up, it seems that there is no call to action, no follow through, and I always end up in the same spot, years and years later.  Although I wouldn’t advise it to people, it is sometimes the only effective method.  However, I really don’t know why I have to go full bat shit crazy and over the cliff of normal relations in order to get my point across. 

There are a couple of things I’m thinking of to work on.  One, taking a firmer approach when I am upset about something that is very important to me.  Two, when my priority level of the issue is a hill I would die on, there should be no waiting with the response for a proper or better time.  I need to address it swiftly and at the time, not let it sit and rot in my brain until you can smell the moldy cheese coming out of my ears.

Self awareness is key to helping ourselves be better.  There is so much to be gained by looking in the mirror and thinking of how you could have handled a situation differently.  How could I have avoided blowing up like the coyote when the road runner reverses his trap?  You know the road runner is going to win every time.  The frustrated coyote will still be falling into all his own traps until he learns how he could do better.  If we learn from our past mistakes and figure out how to do better we will have a lot less burn marks and be a lot less frustrated.

Chat again soon,

Michelle