When Positive Thinking Isn’t Enough -Embracing the Dark Days

I am so sad.  My eyes feel that heavy, heaviness and I try to keep pushing on.  I don’t really say anything because what is the point? It seems so redundant.  Ok get up, take a shower you will feel better.  Nope.  Ok make lunch and start cleaning the kitchen. Nope.  Ok put on some of your favorite music. Nope. Ok positive thoughts, when you are grateful you can’t be anxious or sad I’m told.  Nope.  In fact positive thinking just makes me more upset of why I can’t get there today.  Nobody needs you like this Michelle, nobody wants you like this, where is she, where is the fun one, where is the energetic and happy girl.  Nope. She is just not there and right now I don’t know how to get her back.  I decide to write to see if I can figure out just what the hell my problem is. 

Why is what I do never enough?  Why is it never enough for other people and for me? When can I attain perfection when I am proud of myself? When do I get there, how do I get there? I feel like a piece of shit on the lawn, if you run into me you will just get more shit all over yourself.  I’ll bring you down into my shithole.  So I try everything to not bring you down with me.  Keep quiet I think, maybe people won’t notice the stench.  Maybe if I stay really, really quiet, no one will be able to find me because I won’t stink so much.  The piece of shit and I are laying out there fully exposed, but we wish we were hidden so we could stink in peace.

At this point the piece of shit and I are useless, the only thing we are is a hazard.  If you leave us long enough though we will turn into something else.  We have a chance to be something else, if you just give us time.  We have nutrients that make beautiful things grow all around us.  Sometimes we just can’t change who we are right now but in time we may become something better than we imagined. Sometimes it’s important to just leave things where they are and try not to figure out how to change them in that moment.  Give them time.

What a strange analogy but it does make me believe that even though I could feel so low right now, maybe it isn’t important to try to clean me up or fix me right now because eventually all the essentials of what make me who I am will turn into what I was meant to be all along. It also doesn’t matter if there is a 1000 pieces of grass that grow from my manure or there is just a few really, really beautiful flowers that without me, never would have saw their own petals.  Focus on those, the thousands of pieces of grass probably would have come up anyway without you but those flowers never had a chance without you. 

Chat again soon, 

Michelle