I met my 20-year-old self for coffee – She left with Hope

I met my 20-year-old self for coffee.

I wore the jeans I feel the thinnest in and my hair dark brown, long, and curly, my tan dress coat and my Uggs to show her I still could look stylish even though I was so old.

I was low on gas and arrived right on time.

She wore the jeans she felt the thinnest in, her hair dark brown, long, and curly. She wore a cream sweater with flowers on it. She made sure to wash her hair and get the smoke smell off her hands from the bar last night.  She was five minutes early.

I gave her a hug and then ordered coffee with cream and sugar for her and I ordered myself a chestnut praline latte. 

I told her I was in a rush as usual.

I asked her how she was?

She was quiet but then exuberantly belted out, I’m good, school is good, my friends are good, and Kevin and I had a fight, but we are good.

I could tell she had something else hidden behind her eyes as her eyes flashed from the person next to us to the sharp knife that they were cutting their muffin with.

I told her she needs to go to the Doctor and tell him about her intrusive violent thoughts.

She said, never, ever…. how embarrassing.

She said, “I’m smart, I’m going to be successful, I cannot and never will tell anyone. They will lock me up, my family would be ashamed, Kevin would leave me, my friends would be gone.” 

I told her that it’s ok, in the future they will be more accepting in society but for now she needs to know she has Harm OCD and Depression, and she needs therapy and medication.

She doesn’t have to tell anyone but if she gets treatment now, she will be so much more free of the disease. She can learn to free herself to enjoy her beautiful babies.

To avoid ten years of trying to understand her pain, I tell her that she will have pelvic pain and endometriosis and if they treat it right away, she could avoid future surgeries and bowel attacks.

I know I have an appointment and have to run, so I get up and tell her that above all else and if she remembers only one thing from today, it is just to love herself. 

Love herself enough to say what she needs.

Love herself enough to speak up to people.

Love herself enough to accept herself as she is.

If she can learn to love herself, she can conquer anything.

I hugged her again and told her I loved her, and I always will, hoping that would be the spark she needs.

I left the coffee shop and cried in the car.

She left the coffee shop with a sparkle and glimmer in her eyes.

Above all else, she now had hope. 

Chat again soon,

Michelle