Managing Harm OCD and Anxiety – Let Go of the Pressure to Be Perfect

I never knew I had limits before, limits being whether the next day was going to be a good day or a bad day. I recognize a pattern of my bad days where sometimes my Harm OCD thoughts become relentless, and I become weaker to their power. On days where I stress because I am going somewhere and I need to remember a lot of things to get ready or if I have company coming over and mostly when I need to organize the family to get somewhere with all the things we all need.  I become anxious, irritable, short tempered, sometimes it’s as if I am barking out orders in my own head and I don’t even hear those around me or I choose not to just in case I lose my train of thought. I talk somewhat about this in my pattern of continuous nightmares being at an airport and I am responsible to get everyone home, but I can’t figure out what time the plane leaves. I’m sure most mothers recognize the panic of ensuring that they have everything, nothing has been missed and the prospect of leaving someone’s special blankie behind or iPad charger is especially frightening. Anxiety is fear and possibly my fear is that I leave something behind that we cannot carry on without. But could we?

When we left on vacations when I was young, my mom would always say, if we have the passports, credit cards and money, anything else that we forgot is inconsequential because we can buy it.  We can buy most things to replace what we might have forgotten unless it is something serious like a favorite blankie or stuffie. For some reason though I still have the fear that I let my family down in some way. Did I download enough movies on the iPad? Did I pack books, coloring, small games, little cars, things to play with in the sand or in the pool. Did I pack chargers, enough underwear, kids Benadryl, kids Advil, kids gravol. Did I pack enough sunscreen and bug spray? Does everyone have water shoes? Does everyone have hats? Does everyone have swimsuits, cool clothes, but also warm clothes and a sweater or rain jacket?

Does anyone else feel the burden of this even though it is relatively simple to make a list, buy what you need and pack what you need and cross it off the list? It causes some kind of blockage in my brain, and I will pay for it in the following days. Honestly the girls are getting older now and their needs are less and mostly will choose probably to not even travel with us so my lists will start getting smaller however that is not my question, my question is meant for all the moms with whatever lists they have of their own and how their brain stays calm.  Mine feels like the day before we go somewhere or do something, like there is a red alert, warning sign going off with sirens. I can almost visualize it in my brain, call the fire dept, get the hose, she is going to blow!! I’ve tried different techniques like packing for days on end, the use of lists with rest stops in between gathering the items. Ultimately though I blow a gasket, and it takes days to repair.

So, if I’ve tried different techniques what do I need to do? If anxiety is a fear, then I guess I have to face my fear, I have to make myself uncomfortable in uncertainty and I have to give less of a shit of what everyone around me expects out of me. The emergency health items I will not give up, but maybe I could give up some of it, maybe I could deal with the uncertainties of forgetting granola bars and God forbid by them from an airport and pay triple the price. Is the triple price of granola bars worth me losing a day to my self harm thoughts. Yeah, probably not but when we get there and everyone is asking for something, my mind goes into a chaotic stall, there is so much chaos in my brain that I can barely even speak. At that point I shut down, crawl into a bed somewhere and put some covers over my head and beg to fall asleep and to stop beating myself up for what I didn’t do right and in this case what I didn’t pack right. Lately, the days I berate myself, I see myself slashing my wrists with every knife, taking plug ins, and pushing them into my eye sockets, stabbing myself in the neck and head. It becomes relentless and I tell Kevin to give just give me an hour to let it beat the shit out of me, hopefully then I will fall asleep and wake up with a brain reset and I can continue on with my day. Thankfully for me I have figured out this works for me.  Thankfully for me I understand my disease a little more and am beginning to understand more of my triggers.

Possibly understanding that the triggers exist is at least farther than I have ever been before. I know these bring on symptoms like someone with a lactose intolerance is sure they will be crapping their pants after sucking up that milkshake. Someone with diabetes will have higher sugar readings after not being able to resist that donut. There are many examples of those that have to adjust course due to their physical ailments, mental ailments must need the same type of adjustment.

However, I believe the mental ailments need boundary adjustments and most of all a reduction of all the pressure that we put upon ourselves. Is it my people pleasing nature that pressures me? Is it some kind of perfectionism that causes that pressure? Of me never wanting to call myself out on being dumb because I forgot even though I did all kinds of prep to be ready? Almost like a self-fulfilling prophecy, I know for certain I will forget something and I’m heavily fearful of the tongue lashing I’ll give myself? Wow that sounds preposterous that someone would do that to themselves and yet it seems it could be true.

Here is the thing I have been learning this summer, everything is about perspective and expectations. When we went to the lake with the camper, I was told we would have a well-shaded camping spot, and the camping area would likely be full. That’s all I knew. 
When we got there, we had a beautiful lake view where I could sit by the fire, stare at the view, and enjoy the most wonderful coffee spot. Halfway through our trip, some other campers moved in and completely blocked the view we had. I was disappointed. Here is the thing though, if they would have blocked us when we got there I would have never known that view existed for us.  Then I never would have been disappointed because I never expected it.

You and I being hard on ourselves is all about our expectations. We have to adjust those expectations to let ourselves breathe. Next time I go on a trip, I allow myself 5 things I forgot and then when I only forget 3, I win! Minds are so tricky, it’s like playing a game of chess with someone who has all their own rules, and you have to figure out how to slyly trick them to lose at their own game. Knowing that they are not playing fair though is half of the problem and now we can figure out the strategies we need to start winning the game.

Chat again soon,

Michelle