Living with Anxiety – Finding Peace in the Everyday Mess

I walk past Brant’s room and there is a suitcase that is laying on the bed the clothes are thrown all around it and litter the floor like garbage at the fairgrounds. Then some laundry was done that wasn’t put away and now it accompanies the others all littering the floor. To add to that there is now dirty clothes that he has thrown on top of all those clothes and I can no longer distinguish what is clean and what is dirty. So, I walk away.

The kitchen garbage is overflowing and the strawberry tops that I just cut for Brant make the rest of the garbage move just enough that some popcorn and coffee grinds slip out onto the floor, like apples falling from the apple tree. I look around the kitchen and there are dirty dishes everywhere, sticky peanut butter knives stuck on the counter, some half eaten cinnamon buns on the stove stuck to a baking sheet that now has become one with the syrup sticky goodness. There are bowls of half-eaten soup, some dirty pots, chocolate milk stains on the bottom of glasses that are all popping up like gophers in a prairie field. None of these gophers found their way to the empty dishwasher. So, I walk away.

I go outside and the weeds in my little bed of a garden that was supposed to be so easy to keep weed free now looks like I am growing grass and weeds for hobby. It actually looks like an abandoned yard site where no one takes care of the lawn. So, I walk away.

Maybe tomorrow.

I scroll my phone and there are people camping and at country fest this weekend. They are smiling, laughing, chugging drinks, and they look like the best beer commercial I have ever seen. I’m jealous. Envious. What about us? Kevin says maybe one day again, when there isn’t hundreds of acres of hay to bale. The sun is shining, and everyone knows the saying, farmers have to make hay when the sun shines.

I keep scrolling on my phone and I see some puppies that need fosters, and they can’t find anyone. Brant said the other day he wanted puppies again. Awe they are so cute, I could really help them out and we would smile and laugh while they tussle and mouth each other. I mention it to Kevin, knowing the answer is No! I know what he is thinking, you don’t keep up with regular responsibilities and now you want puppies to chew and poop everywhere?????

I walk to the bathroom; it has cobwebs in the corner and mould on the shower curtain and ceiling. I attack it like a wolf with their prey. I throw the shower curtain to the ground like I am beating it into submission and run it down the stairs and into the wash machine. Get it, get it quick, before it runs away from me and my urge to clean it is gone. I grab rags, cleaner and I feverishly jump on the top of the tub and scrub above my head so hard that I almost lose my balance. Oh my god Michelle, you are going to fall and break your leg in the bathtub, just cool it, I think to myself.

I finish it though and start attacking the kitchen like an eagle swooping at those gophers. What am I going to make for supper? What bills do I need paid on my to do list? What applications did I have to help Ava fill out. What about those poor puppies? Maybe I could actually just relax in my free time and watch tv? Are you serious right now you have a mess everywhere you look and you’re going to sit down and watch a show?? You are also going bat shit crazy thinking with all this couple of hours of extra time that have fallen upon you that you should get foster dogs to completely and utterly overwhelm you.

I am a pattern.

If I have a switch it is stuck on repeat.

Someone out there tell me if you do this kind of behavior and if you do, how do we relax and make it stop? How do we hum softly as we put clothes away? How do we live in the present? The present that is just quiet and is ours to shape and mold. The present that doesn’t have roses and rainbows, country fests, beach time and puppy kisses on the cheek? Just the present that is calm, everyone is working, everyone is good. There is no crisis Anxiety so why are you trying to make me look for one?

I think of Anxiety as the character from Inside Out 2, she kept saying she just wanted to do what was best for the brain and person. She wanted the character Riley to be with the cool girls, be the best at sports and school, and she wanted her to achieve all things and thought if she kept pushing her with fight or flight, she would continue being amazing!! She believed that Riley needed anxiety in order to perform and without it she would just be lazy, useless, and wouldn’t be the best, most popular, coolest person. Too much of anxiety and she makes you be relentless in the pursuit of pushing yourself to higher and higher heights. In that time frame you are irritable, can’t sleep, are restless and can’t sit still, can’t concentrate, you look out the window and see squirrels everywhere.

It does seem to be true that we need some anxiety to help us get ready for an exam, to pressure us to do our best. When it gets out of control though instead of helping you pass the exam it takes all your thoughts and jumbles them all together like a foreign language you can’t understand, and you end up doing worse instead of better.

Take a deep breath Michelle, you got this. Put on some headphones catch up on some chores and that uneasy feeling and panic will start to back off. Once you get some of those monkeys off your back that you walked past this morning, you won’t need foster dogs and rainbows to overachieve, you can just sit down with a glass of ice tea and spoil yourself with some Bridgerton. Hoping all of you who feel the same can do that as well. Let’s give anxiety only a small piece of us, like an acquaintance instead of a best friend. Now that we have defined the pattern, we can defy the pattern.

Chat again soon,

Michelle