Quieting the Storm – Why My Harm OCD Eases When I Travel

I am 49 today. I’m thinking about all the wisdom I could write down and I’m feeling super grateful for everything but that doesn’t feel deep enough for my blog. I have pondered many, many questions while we got stuck in Belize in a hurricane. Mostly I am always trying to seek to understand myself and how to just be better more consistently.  For example, there were stressful events that happened on the way to and from Belize, many would have caused me to be anxious, angry, annoyed, and stressed which would normally be a disaster for my Harm OCD thoughts. However, they go on vacation when I go on vacation. Why? How? I had almost 11 days of not even counting one Harm OCD thought, wow, it’s been years and years since I could say that.  What makes my demeanor or my brain chemistry so much different when I am on a holiday and how do I apply that to everyday life?

I told Kevin the one day on our trip that I could just sit on my deck chair, look up at the palm trees, and wonder things like when will that dead leaf fall? Are those coconuts up there? How are their leaves so broad that they can shade me from the sun with one big branch? My mind is never ever that peaceful. It was such a wonderful break to be that peaceful.

Which makes me wonder, how do you replicate that at home? How do I drop the incessant lists that run over and over and over in my mind, like a cheap broken record. You see, on vacation, my phone isn’t buzzing, and no one needs anything from me. I don’t have to figure out what to make Brant for lunch, figure out the grocery list and what we are out of and what food we will make that week, what bills have to be paid, what forms have to be filled out, what Dr.,dentist, optometrist appts have to be made, what prescriptions need refilling, what is coming up on sale on Black Friday and Cyber Monday that I have to be on top of for Christmas, what to put in loot bags for Brant’s birthday party, order the cake (what kind? From where?), order the decorations to hopefully come on time during this postal strike, answer texts on what he wants for his bday, get the laundry caught up, get those summer clothes all put away, what about Christmas pictures, Kevin will want me to write a Christmas letter again, should I start Christmas baking, what about decorations oh that vase of cranberries with the pine cones looked so cute, did I book the hotel for that work trip, the rental car, reserve the lunch, rsvp to the training, finish the project, talk to so and so about such and such, did I forget to say happy birthday to someone, did I forget to pick up the fundraising order, do I need to buy Brant a curling broom, we need to start eating healthier I need to make more veggies, I feel guilty that Kevin needs help fencing tonight but I don’t want to go out, can’t I just have time for me, did I clean the hot tub filters, did I shovel the deck snow, what should we have for supper, it’s getting cold we need to put the dog and cats heating lamp on, I need to make sure my hair appt is before the Christmas party, what am I going to wear, did I book the hotel, I need to wash our sheets, I need to hide those toys I bought on black Friday, my head has been hurting so bad, I need to figure out when to book a massage, nothing works next week, oh well maybe next week, Kevin needs me to add up those bills to figure out where we are for tax situation right now, the freezer is so full upstairs that I can’t keep shoving the door shut one more time or a rocket of frozen bananas will pierce my toes. 

My first thought to myself after sputtering that list out is holy man are those first world problems. I know it is so tough to live in the moment and be grateful and honestly a lot of times my brain can’t even get there. However, when we were faced with no flights out of Belize city, no hotels, all the shops closed and the airport and I thought of us standing in the rain on the street with no clean water and no food, I was scared.  The primal fear of survival kicked in and when we trusted a kind stranger in a strange third world country and we got a safe, secure bed and water and food, nothing else in the world mattered. We were safe.

What makes our crazy busy world feel not safe. We have everything. It’s almost as if it is an illusion to ourselves that without fulfilling all those lists we are endangering ourselves. If you miss booking that hair appt. it should not be equal to walking through the amazon jungle at night. How do we drop all this shit we built up in our minds?

They say some of the happiest people in the world are in the poorest countries. They don’t have huge expectations, when their primal needs are met, that is all that is needed for happiness.

It is my intention in this 49^th year to become intentional about scheduling myself some time to let the lists go, even if I have to set a timer and schedule in my down time, I want to give myself the gift of more of that peace this year that I felt in Belize. 

I hope all of you as well who struggle with this can find those quiet spaces to relish in the gratefulness of just being alive and safe.

Chat again soon,

Michelle