Reflecting on Motherhood – Embracing Imperfections and Growth

Sometimes when I strip all the way down, I am horrified by what I see. Yesterday in a conversation I found myself feeling the same way. I was kinda horrified thinking about ways I could have done better as a mother. I know that due to my mental illness and the secrets I held I was definitely more closed off emotionally. I was closed off both to my children and to Kevin. I think because there was part of me that felt unauthentic. Of course I played, travelled, danced, boated, camped, you name it, I did it with the girls. I just didn’t give my whole vulnerable self to them. Even though Brant has had to live with me sick either physically or mentally since he was born, I probably have given him less events and experiences with me but the ones I do give him, I feel true joy. It does make me sad though that I wasn’t all the way there when they were little. Sure, I did the best that I could given the circumstances I was under, but I can’t help but feel a little sad about it. I also never wanted to be the mother who everyone tip toed around and said don’t upset Mom, but yet I did become like that to my daughters. All I can think on the positive side is at least I can try now. I have never been really cuddly with anyone unless they were a baby or little, other than that I prefer my space. I’ve been working on trying to be cuddlier and say I love you, but it is harder for me as it doesn’t seem natural.

I think we can analyze and berate ourselves to death and all of us would come up with reasons why we fall short, it’s even harder though when you are in denial about them. Sometimes you don’t see yourself the way others see you and when you find out what that looks like sometimes it can be new cellulite and rolls that you weren’t expecting when you looked in the mirror. You think, well where the hell did those come from, silly, they were there all along, but you were only looking at the good side and not doing a big 360-degree view in the mirror. Maybe all along you knew that they were there but you didn’t want to acknowledge them; to acknowledge them would mean you should probably do something about it.

Someone who truly inspires me is someone who can look at themselves and see where they must of went wrong and instead of being defensive about it and trying to prove that it wasn’t who they were, they accept it and try to change. To me any change is absolutely possible when someone chooses to see that they may have faltered. While this person was looking at my people skills and trying to figure out how to be more like me, I am in awe of the person because I want to be more like them. I want to be humble enough to admit when I made mistakes or didn’t do things quite as I would have intended but the magical part is that if we do that, we can be better. Essentially you have to admit it and be humbled by it, to become better than you ever imagined possible. You don’t have to live in the hurt that it happened or dwell in the mistakes you may have made but you can use that energy instead to start something new.

I think no matter how old you are, it is never too late to learn. I saw something the other day about being kinder to your mother because she is living her life for the first time just like you are living yours. It really struck me that we are all here on this earth for the first time (at least what we know of in our conscious minds). We don’t get a second chance to re-do a moment or a decision that we made, and we made that decision with the information that we had at that time, the experience, the skills, all of it. We are accountable to that decision or possible mistake that we made but we have to remember we are just navigating it for the first time.  No one gave anyone a manual when they were a child of how to survive childhood trauma and then be a really good parent later in life and how they would have the skills to do that. Never mind that there are different communications, stereotypes, and stigmas at different times throughout history.

For example, in the 60s and early 70s, breastfeeding was the worst thing that you could do. Any mother who had a colicky baby was told instantly it was because she was trying to breastfeed. Formula is best. Tummy sleeping is best. Bumper pads in the crib are best. Putting cereal in an infant’s bottle was the best. Years later these things all sound ridiculous. Can we go back and change the decisions or the way that was lived in those times, so they are what we consider to be the correct way now? Nope, every mom did the best that they could with the information they had at that time.

Forgive your mothers, especially if they recognize that they could have done things differently. It is super hard to admit. Forgive them though because they didn’t know how to survive with the skills they had, let alone raise someone. As Maya Angelou said, if you know better, you do better. People who recognize they could have done better are so worthy of your forgiveness. Just like I want forgiveness for the way I could have done better, I want to bestow the same on anyone else.

There were many decisions I made when the girls were younger that I did to protect them the best way that I knew how. I had to put a wall up in my head, so I put their protection above all else. Above their friendships, above their hurt feelings, above their sadness with my decisions. I am truly sad for what that must have felt like for them, but I would always choose protection and making sure they were safe over their hurt feelings, others hurt feelings, or mine.  Later in life would I have done it the same way again? I don’t know that I would of, but I know that the mother in me at that time used the information and intuition that she had, and she had zero experience to rely on. I couldn’t follow a manual, I couldn’t find someone else in the exact same situation and follow them, I had to do what I felt I had to do.

I want people and my daughters to know that I may not have always been right but that was the only way I knew how. If we could see the future, we may make different decisions and live differently but we do not get that privilege. None of us! It’s your mom’s first time being a mom, it’s your dad’s first time being a dad, and one day it’s your turn and it’s your first time with the baggage that you brought in which is different than anyone else’s baggage that they carried through their life. Give the people that had the baggage the grace that they were only living the only way they knew how. How simple life would be if we all talked to our ninety-year-old self the day we were born. Do this, don’t do this, watch for this, be careful of this, can you imagine what a perfect life we would live and how we wouldn’t hurt others because we knew better.

So, stand naked, do a 360 and tell yourself that no matter what you see it is yours to accept and yours to change if you want to. If you would have known the baby oil in the sun would have made those wrinkles or that extra helping of chips and dip would have created that dimple, then you wouldn’t have done it or maybe you would have, but the point is that you did what you did at that time and now you have a choice, love and accept your choices and try better now that you know better, or put on some fat pants and pretend it never happened.  Putting on the fat pants doesn’t make it no longer appear and does not make it, so you don’t know it’s there, do you want to carry that baggage around in your fat pants? I don’t. I still want to put on the fat pants, mostly because they are the most comfortable, but I want to accept that I did the best that I could at the time that I created the imperfection and the only thing to do now, is to do better tomorrow. If I don’t accept those imperfections, I will always be trying to hide them. Free yourself and accept them the way that they are and if you got better information now, maybe stay out of the sun with baby oil on.

Chat again soon,

Michelle