Some Days Are Like That – Too Heavy

I’m so tired, I want to go back to bed.

I’m so tired, I can’t wait to go back to bed.

When my work/parenting/obligations I am needed for are done) I want to go back to bed

I can’t wait to go back to bed.

I can’t wait to go to sleep.

If I don’t have work/parenting/obligations, I don’t know how I will fill my hours before I get to go to sleep.

I don’t want to be here.

I don’t want to be anywhere.

Self-talk:

Get Brant fed, at least push yourself to make some vegetables you slob.

You eat like shit, no wonder you feel like shit.

Do something meaningful with Brant, play a game with him, do anything, he is only young once and you are missing parenting him properly because you are lazy and entitled.

I feel so tired.

I feel like if I laid in bed for 45 days it wouldn’t be enough.

Uggggh Brant wants me to plant the garden.

I hate the garden. What does it mean to me, it means doing a bunch of work every night when I don’t feel like it, it means another obligation that imprisons me?

Yes, I am that spoiled, everything imprisons me.

Yes, anything that is work is something that I don’t want to do.

Yes, I’m useless.

Yes, I wouldn’t have survived in the early 1900s because of all the work they had to do.

Yes, shows like that bother me because they just had to work so hard and I wasn’t cut out for that.

Yes, if I didn’t have obligations, I would lay in bed all day.

Yes, it is good that I have obligations therefore I am a functioning member of society.

Functioning only in the sense of the word that you can see me do it.

My brain is broken, I’m useless, I can’t work and do my obligations.

Don’t say that all this negativity is making you worse.

Stop being so dam negative, how are you supposed to get better with this type of self-talk.

Say affirmations, go for a walk, eat something healthy, some protein will make you feel better.

How can you keep giving a person grace and compassion, when is enough, enough.

When can we write her off as just being too far gone. When can she just give up and sleep in an institution.

She doesn’t because she knows that tomorrow might feel different than today. She is just tired of switching back and forth between this and the tomorrows. She is tired of trying harder. She is tired of trying to be better. She is tired of fighting her brain. She wants it to stop. No more ups and downs, no more happy then sad, happy then sad. 

I WANT TO HIDE

I am no good to anyone, because deep down I am the person that everyone thinks that I am not.

Deep down I am intrinsically lazy.

Deep down I want to be a princess.

Deep down I don’t like existing when I feel like this.

Deep down, I don’t want to say goodbye to anyone, I love everyone here, the only one I wish I could say goodbye to, is her.

I think she likes this, I think she doesn’t want to get better because then she could free herself of the beration. She doesn’t want to free herself from that, she wants to make sure she can keep kicking her down.

What in my unconscious hates me this much. I want to talk to the person in my unconscious, I want to tell them to fuck off. Fuck all the way off, like walk past the limit where it says do not fuck off past this point, go way further than that and just keep fucking off until there is nothing left of them to fuck off.